Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)
Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
Dad: Fuck the government.
Dad: Fuck the school board.
Dad: Close the door.
Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
Dad: I love puns.
Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
Dad: Please shut up.
Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
Dad: They act like I care what they think.
Dad: I hate homework.
Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.

"Violence does not always take visible form, and not all wounds gush blood."

Haruki Murakami, 1Q84 (via sukmun)

(Source: larmoyante, via a-thousand-words)

achromatic-kaleidoscope:

spence-ler:

you’re walking in the woods

there’s no one around and your phone is dead

out of the corner of your eye you spot him

image

professor layton

you run as fast as you can, but there is no escape

he sneaks up behind you and quietly, calmly, says

“This reminds me of a PUZZLE…”

the cops find your corpse in the morning. And on the floor nearby? For some strange reason, it looks like that before your death, you were trying to rearrange…

match sticks…

(Source: ssylveons, via iamsmallcat)

n-a-blue-box:

wordsofdiana:

The only thing I want in Avengers 2 is Cap picking up Thor’s hammer, totally unaware it should be impossible.

and then they tell him and hes all

image

(via iamsmallcat)

suzuharatoji:

please look at this picture of michelle obama and sportacus

image

(via mr-egbutt)

iamthetwickster:

jmfthefirst:

aquaticwonder:

Are you a piece of art because I’d like to nail you up against a wall

oh thank god, I thought you were gonna say you wanted to hang me

crying

(via iamsmallcat)